New HR Policy For Productivity

Dress Code-

• You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
• If we see you wearing PRADA shoes, carrying GUCCI bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
• If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nice clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
• IF you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Leave-

• We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as a proof of sickness. If you are able to go to doctor, you are able to come to work too. Only a death certificate is acceptable. That too, would be valid till the funeral. You's have to continue the office after the funeral.

 Casual Leave-

• Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They would be called Saturdays and Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks-

• Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet, and the employees feel proud that they are being paid to poop. there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper and muslin towel will retract, that stall door will be open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company's bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's metal health policy.

Lunch Break-

• Skinny people get a 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so they can look healthy. Normal people will get 15 minutes for lunch to get a meal good enough to keep them alive in their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a slim-Fast.

Regards,
HR.

Real Indian

भारतीय वो होता है:-
 

● जो Free की चीजो को कभी न छोड़े.

● जो घर में paint करवाने के बाद paint वाली बाल्टी को कम से कम 5 पांच साल इसतेमाल करे 

● जो T.V remote के cell खत्म होने के बावजूद remote को पिटता है

● जो मिठाई की दुकान पर taste करने के लिए मिठाई जरुर मांगे.

● जो पुराने कैलेंडर को पन्नो को कॉपीयो का कवर बना के इस्तेमाल कर ले.

● जो मोबाइल balance में से कम्पनी द्वारा 5 रूपए कटे जाने पे कम्पनी के toll free customer care number पे customer care वाले को गाली सुना दे.

● जो ये post पढ़ के खुश हो रहे है वो भी एक भारतीय ही हो सकता है.

सर्वजन हिताय

अगर आप अपने हाथ पर अपनी प्रेमिका का नाम जलती सिगरेट, ब्लेड इत्यादि से लिख चुके है लेकिन फिर भी आपको लगता है कि आपकी प्रेमिका को आपके प्यार पर विश्वास नहीं है तो एक बार उसका नाम अपने जायजाद के कागजात पर लिख कर अंतिम कोशिश कर लीजिये. 

 

सैसी प्रेमीओ के हित में जारी

अगर आपको लगता है की कोई आपका इंतज़ार नहीं करता तो आप एक पब्लिक टॉयलेट में घुस जाये और 2 घंटे तक बैठे रहे. जब आप बाहर आएंगे तो कोई ना कोई आपका इंतज़ार कर ही रहा होगा.
रोतलू हित में जारी

रोतलू हित में जारी

 

 

अगर ब्रेक-अप के बाद आपकी गर्लफ्रेंड आपसे आपको दिए गए वॉलेट, घडी, टी-शर्ट, डीओ जैसे गिफ्ट की वापसी की मांग करती है तो आप भी उनसे उन पर खर्च किया गया 'पेट्रोल' की मांग रख दीजिये.
 

बॉयफ्रेंड हित में जारी

 

 

अगर आपको (पेटुओ को) लगता है की आपकी संगीति की बजह से आपका कोई मित्र मोटा होता जा रहा है और आप उसकी मदद करना चाहते है तो आज से ही अपने खाने का सारा बिल उस मित्र को अदा करने दे, जल्द ही वो दीवालिया होने के डर से आपका साथ छोड़ देगा और पतला हो जायेगा.

 

मोटापा-ग्रस्त एवं पेटू बजट जुगाड़ हित में जारी

 

 

अगर आपको लगता है की आपके सभी मित्र आपकी जयेजात के पीछे पड़े है, आपके पीठ पीछे आपको बुरा-भला कहते है और कोई भी आपको प्रेम नहीं करता तो पब्लिक में कुछ भी लिखने या बोलने से पहले जिम ज्वाइन कर ले और फेसबुक पर ‘मर्द’, 'मूछे हो तो नत्थूलाल जैसी' पेज को लाइक कर ले ताकि लोगो को आपका औरत होने पर शक ना जाए.
 

औरतियाने वालो (न) मर्दों के हित में जारी

When a men writes advice columms

Dear John,
            I hope you can help me. The other day i was set off for work, leaving my husband in house watching TV. My car stalled then it broke down about a mile down the road and i have to walk back to get my husband's help. When i get back home i couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbor's daughter!

            I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When i confronted him he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for past six months. He won't go to counseling and i'm afraid i am a wreak and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheela.

Dear Sheela,

             A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wire. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

              I hope This helps.

John

Differences between Music Genres

Sentence:- I saw a Flower.

RAP:-
Yo! I was hangin' wit my mutherfuckin' homies and we saw a mutherfuckin' flowa' in a mutherfuckin' garden.

Pop:-
I saw a flower, I saw a flower, I saw a flower.
It had blue petals; blue petals, blue petals.

Rock:-
In field where nothing grew but weeds i found a flower at my feet, bending there in my direction.

Metal:-
AARRSSGHGGHHHH - FLOOOOOWWWWWWEEEEERRRR!!!!!
AAAAhhhAhhAGAGAAAAAHHHHH - IN A FIELD!!!

Country:-
I was ridin' a tractor and i was drinkin' a beer bur then i saw a puberty little flower and i said- "Hey, yall! It's one of dem flowers!"

How to crack (not really) Personal Interview

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I can’t invest so much of money”. No baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”. So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – Baban Rao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: Ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6!
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No no, I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in EST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher studies?
Candidate: He he he, are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows. 

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone calls and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before and that is why I kept on asking you questions. Welcome to INFOSYS.

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The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.

Courtesy:- Copy/Paste