When a men writes advice columms

Dear John,
            I hope you can help me. The other day i was set off for work, leaving my husband in house watching TV. My car stalled then it broke down about a mile down the road and i have to walk back to get my husband's help. When i get back home i couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbor's daughter!

            I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When i confronted him he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for past six months. He won't go to counseling and i'm afraid i am a wreak and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheela.

Dear Sheela,

             A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wire. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

              I hope This helps.

John

Differences between Music Genres

Sentence:- I saw a Flower.

RAP:-
Yo! I was hangin' wit my mutherfuckin' homies and we saw a mutherfuckin' flowa' in a mutherfuckin' garden.

Pop:-
I saw a flower, I saw a flower, I saw a flower.
It had blue petals; blue petals, blue petals.

Rock:-
In field where nothing grew but weeds i found a flower at my feet, bending there in my direction.

Metal:-
AARRSSGHGGHHHH - FLOOOOOWWWWWWEEEEERRRR!!!!!
AAAAhhhAhhAGAGAAAAAHHHHH - IN A FIELD!!!

Country:-
I was ridin' a tractor and i was drinkin' a beer bur then i saw a puberty little flower and i said- "Hey, yall! It's one of dem flowers!"

How to crack (not really) Personal Interview

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I can’t invest so much of money”. No baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”. So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – Baban Rao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: Ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6!
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No no, I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in EST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher studies?
Candidate: He he he, are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows. 

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone calls and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before and that is why I kept on asking you questions. Welcome to INFOSYS.

--------------- --------------- --------------- --------------
The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.

Courtesy:- Copy/Paste

Story of Newton's Law (Comedy)

1) A cow was walking. Newton stopped it.
Cow stopped. He found his first law-
"An object continue to move unless it stopped"

2) He gave a FORCE by kicking the cow.
It gave a sound "MA!!" He formulated 2nd law-
"F=MA"

3) The cow gave kick back to Newton
And he got 3rd one-
"Every action has an Equal & Opposite reaction"

Funny SMS

© Manav to friend-"You know in the USA every year Edison's birthday is celebrated by power-cut for 2 ninutes."
Friend-"But here due to over respect, we celebrate it daily for 3-4 hours."


© Santa was walking through the forest and saw the snake hanging from the tree.
Santa said-"sirf latakane se height nahi badhegi mummy se kaho complan pilaaye."


© Boy to girl-"is dil me aa jao."
Girl-"chappal nikalu kya?"
Boy-"nahi, ese he aa jao. Mandir thode he hai."


© Once Queen Elizabeth and Santa were having dinner.
Queen said-"pass the wine you divine".
Santa thinks, how poetic, Santa says-"pass the roti you moti."


© Bus chali,Jhatka laga. Santa ek ladki pe ja gira.
Ladki boli- "battameez kya kar rahe ho?"
Santa bola- "Ji, Lucknow UNIVERSITY se B.com. final."

© 1st friend-"main apni param sundari girlfriend ko uske janm din par kya du."
2nd friend-"mera phone number de do."


© Santa was reading a blank paper.
Banta-"ye kya hai?"
Santa-"meri girl-friend ka love letter."
Banta-"magar ye to khali hai!"
Santa-"aj-kal hamari bolchal band hai."


© Qatil-"Kosish karna umar Kaid ho Fansi nahi."
Lawyar-"Don't Warry."
Adalat k bad...
Qatil-"Kya hua?"
Lawyar-"Bahut Mushkil se umar qaid hui, judge to tumhe riha kar raha tha."


© A prince had a curse that he could speak only a word in 1 year.
He spoke nothing for 3 years and waitd to say "I LUV U" to a beautiful princes
Who replyed-"PARDON"

Cool Definitions

©Justice: A decision in your favor.


©Adults: Just like kid who can watch A rated movies.


©Sale: Where you can buy things at 2 times gratar price.


©Cheat: A postcard having note 'cheque inside'.


©Ideal man: First husband of a widow.


©Alarm watch: A machine which is used to wake up those who have no child.


©Opportunist: Person who dropped in pool accidently and start taking bath.


©World biggest mean man: Who tells his wife of his vasectomy(nasbandi) when his wife told him about her prepodncy.


©Fault: Prove that you atleast tried same work.


©Crowd: Causes by two smart girls.


©Music lover: If he heard a girl singing in bathroom, he puts his ear at key-hole.


©Pedestrain: A car holder who's wife has learned driving.


©O turn: double U turn.


©Fool: One who trying to watch a girl from key hole who is bathing in a transparant bathroom.

Duniya aur aap- comic facts

© Agar koi admi kanhi late pahunche to vo wakt ka paaband nahi hai aur Agar aap kanhi late pahunche to aap wakt ke gulaam thode hi na hai.


© Agar koi admi kisi hotal me khana kha kar tip na de to vo kanjoos hai aur Agar aap kisi hotal me khana kha ker tip na de to aap paise ki kadar jante hai.


© Apke charo oor hahakaar hai, laikin aap shaant hai to iska matlab hai ki isthithi to gambheer hai laikin apke palle nahi padi hai.


© kahte hai ki "kaamyabi ka koi gavah nahi hota." Laikin nakaamyabi sabko dikhae daite hai.


©koi dusra galti kare to vo gairjimaidaar hai aur agar aap koi galti kare to galtiya aakhir insaan se hi hote hai.


© khud na karna pade to koi kaam namumkin nahi hai.


© Apko yakeen nahi hoga log aaj-kal kya-kya karte rahte hai. Abhi kal ki he baat hai, main ek mandir me khada tha, aarthi ho rahi the, itne me hi ek ladke ne cigrate sulga le. Main to ye dekh ke itna ghabra gaya ki mere hanth se bear ka gilaas girte-girte bacha.


© Main kal ek admi se mila. Mujhe vo kuch jyada hi andhvisvaasi laga. Vo khata hai ki main us saptaah me kaam nahi karta jisme sanivaar padta ho.


© Ek trak ke peche likha tha 'savan ko aane do.' Ek dusra trak usme ghus gaya. Pata hai us trak ke aage kya likha tha- 'savan aaya jhum ke.'


© Agar koi aap se kahe ki aap unke kisi parijan ka baal banka nahi kar sakte to aap samajh jaye ki vo zarur ganje hai.


© Zindgi yahi hai- har vo cheez jo apko pasand hai vo ya to gair-kanuni hai ya anaitik hai aur ya fir saadi-shuda hai.


© Agar kisi cheez par likha ho ki ek he size sabko fit hoga to samajhiye ke vo kisi ko fit nahi hoga.


© Ek jagah se chori, chori hai. Kaye jagah se chori resarch hai.


© Aap bank ke100 rupay ke karzdaar hai to ye aap ki problem hai. Laikin agar aap bank ke100 caror ke daindaar hai to ye bank ki problem hai.


© Koi dusra parti me pee kar 'out' ho jaye to vo bada sharabi hai aur Agar aap unhi halaat me ho to aap party ki jaan hai.


© Chugli to dusre karte hai, aap to hamesa sach bolte hai.


© Agar apko apki padosan duniya ki sabse bhali aurat lage to jara ek baar uske pati se bhe mil lijiye.


© LIC ke agent kitne ajeeb hote hai. Ghanto baith kar ek aurat ko ye samjhate hai ki aapke pati ke marne ke baad apko kya-kya subhidhaye mil sakti hai.


© kahte hai 'agar ghe sedhe ungli se na nikle to... ama! to chammch se nikaal lo har cheez me ungli karna jaruri hai kya?