Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

How to crack (not really) Personal Interview

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I can’t invest so much of money”. No baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”. So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – Baban Rao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: Ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6!
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No no, I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in
EST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher studies?
Candidate: He he he, are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
 

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone calls and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before and that is why I kept on asking you questions. Welcome to INFOSYS.

--------------- --------------- --------------- --------------
The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.


Courtesy:- Copy/Paste

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Professor explaining marketing concepts to Students

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"



2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"



3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"



4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations



5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition



6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"



7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"



8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she

goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"



9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

Thursday, March 24, 2011

What is KISS??

In Maths-
Kiss is the shortest Distance between two Lips.

In Physics-
Kiss is process of charging human body.

In computer-
Kiss is a local area network in which two bodies are connected without any data cable.

In Economics-
Kiss is a process In which demand is always higher than supply.

Friday, January 14, 2011

6 Deadly Words used by a Woman

1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when thry are right and you need to shut up.

2) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. this means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing ends in fire.

3) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

4) Thanks
Don't faint, just say you're welcome.
Hard truth- She not thankful to you unless she says "Thanks a lot" and don't say 'you're welcome' here, that will bring on a Whatever.

5) Five Minutes
If she getting dressed, it mean half an hour. 5 minutes is only 5 minutes if you have just been given it to watch your game before helping around the house.

6) Whatever
It's a women's way to say F- YOU!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Funny SMS

© Manav to friend-"You know in the USA every year Edison's birthday is celebrated by power-cut for 2 ninutes."
Friend-"But here due to over respect, we celebrate it daily for 3-4 hours."


© Santa was walking through the forest and saw the snake hanging from the tree.
Santa said-"sirf latakane se height nahi badhegi mummy se kaho complan pilaaye."


© Boy to girl-"is dil me aa jao."
Girl-"chappal nikalu kya?"
Boy-"nahi, ese he aa jao. Mandir thode he hai."


© Once Queen Elizabeth and Santa were having dinner.
Queen said-"pass the wine you divine".
Santa thinks, how poetic, Santa says-"pass the roti you moti."


© Bus chali,Jhatka laga. Santa ek ladki pe ja gira.
Ladki boli- "battameez kya kar rahe ho?"
Santa bola- "Ji, Lucknow UNIVERSITY se B.com. final."

© 1st friend-"main apni param sundari girlfriend ko uske janm din par kya du."
2nd friend-"mera phone number de do."


© Santa was reading a blank paper.
Banta-"ye kya hai?"
Santa-"meri girl-friend ka love letter."
Banta-"magar ye to khali hai!"
Santa-"aj-kal hamari bolchal band hai."


© Qatil-"Kosish karna umar Kaid ho Fansi nahi."
Lawyar-"Don't Warry."
Adalat k bad...
Qatil-"Kya hua?"
Lawyar-"Bahut Mushkil se umar qaid hui, judge to tumhe riha kar raha tha."


© A prince had a curse that he could speak only a word in 1 year.
He spoke nothing for 3 years and waitd to say "I LUV U" to a beautiful princes
Who replyed-"PARDON"