When a men writes advice columms

Dear John,
            I hope you can help me. The other day i was set off for work, leaving my husband in house watching TV. My car stalled then it broke down about a mile down the road and i have to walk back to get my husband's help. When i get back home i couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbor's daughter!

            I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When i confronted him he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for past six months. He won't go to counseling and i'm afraid i am a wreak and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheela.

Dear Sheela,

             A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wire. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

              I hope This helps.

John

Differences between Music Genres

Sentence:- I saw a Flower.

RAP:-
Yo! I was hangin' wit my mutherfuckin' homies and we saw a mutherfuckin' flowa' in a mutherfuckin' garden.

Pop:-
I saw a flower, I saw a flower, I saw a flower.
It had blue petals; blue petals, blue petals.

Rock:-
In field where nothing grew but weeds i found a flower at my feet, bending there in my direction.

Metal:-
AARRSSGHGGHHHH - FLOOOOOWWWWWWEEEEERRRR!!!!!
AAAAhhhAhhAGAGAAAAAHHHHH - IN A FIELD!!!

Country:-
I was ridin' a tractor and i was drinkin' a beer bur then i saw a puberty little flower and i said- "Hey, yall! It's one of dem flowers!"

How to crack (not really) Personal Interview

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I can’t invest so much of money”. No baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”. So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – Baban Rao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: Ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6!
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No no, I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in EST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher studies?
Candidate: He he he, are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows. 

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone calls and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before and that is why I kept on asking you questions. Welcome to INFOSYS.

--------------- --------------- --------------- --------------
The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.

Courtesy:- Copy/Paste

भारत बनाम इंडिया (India Vs. Bharat)

भारत में गांव है, गली है, चौबारा है।
इंडिया में सिटी है, माल है, पंचतारा है।

भारत में घर है, चबूतरा है, दालान है।
इंडिया में फ्लैट और मकान है।

भारत में काका है, बाबा है, दादा है, दादी है।

इंडिया में अंकल आंटी की आबादी है।

भारत में खजूर है, जामुन है, आम है।
इंडिया में मैगी, पिज़्ज़ा, माजा का नकली आम है।

भारत में मटके है, दोने है, पत्तल है।
इंडियामें पालीथीन, वाटर व वाइन की बोतल है।

भारत में गाय है, गोबर है, कंडे है।
इंडिया में सेहत नाशी चिकन बिरयानी व अन्डे है।

भारत में दूध है, दही है, लस्सी है।
इंडिया में खतरनाक विस्की, कोक व पेप्सी है।

भारत में रसोई है, आंगन है, तुलसी है।
इंडिया में रूम है, कमोड की कुर्सी है।

भारत में कथड़ी है, खटिया है, खर्राटे है।
इंडिया में बेड है, डनलप है और करवटें है।

भारत में मंदिर है, मंडप है, पंडाल है।
इंडियामें पब है, डिस्को है, हॉल है।

भारत में गीत है, संगीत है, रिदम है।
इंडिया में डांस है, पॉप है, आइटम है।

भारत में ममेरी, फुफेरी, चचेरी बहन है।
इंडिया में सब के सब कजन है।

भारत में पीपल है, बरगद है, नीम है।
इंडियामें ड्राइंग रूम की वाल पर ये सीन है।

भारत में आदर है, प्रेम है, सत्कार है।
इंडिया में स्वार्थ, नफ़रत और दुत्कार है।

भारत में हजारो भाषा है, बोली है।
इंडियामें एक अंग्रेजी ही बडबोली है।

भारत सीधा है, सहज है, सरल है।
इंडिया धूर्त है, चालाक है, कुटिल है।

भारत में संतोष है, सुख है, चैन है।
इंडिया बदहवास, दुखी, बेचैन है।

क्यों कि...................
भारत को देवो ने, वीरो ने रचाया है। 

इंडिया को लालची अंग्रेजो ने बसाया है।

 

(जालंधर से प्रकाशित 'पथिक सन्देश' के अक्टूबर माह से अवतरित)

Imran Hashmi in Hindi Chapter

प्रश्न :- प्रसंग सहित व्याक्या करो-

"भीगे होंठ तेरे, प्यासा दिल मेरा"

सन्दर्भ:-  ये  वाक्य बॉलीवुड के प्रसिद्ध कवि संत श्री इमरान हाशमी जी कि रचना 'मर्डर' के 'भीगे होंठ' से ली गयी है.

प्रसंग:- इस कविता में कवि ने पानी की महानता को समझाया है.

व्याख्या:-   इस कविता में कवि मायावी मल्लिका शेरावत को संबोधित करते हुए पानी का महत्वता समझाते हैं कि अगर आपके होठो पर एक बूँद भी पानी हो तो सामने जो भी प्यासा है उसे पिला दो. पानी कि एक बूँद भी व्यर्थ न हो सके.

विशेष:-  इन वाकयो से हमे कवि के कमीने होने का पता चलता है.